How to set Boundaries with your Horse

We are often told horses need to learn to respect us, even to the point where we are taught that we must demand such a dynamic at any cost, regardless of the outcome.  This belief causes many of us to be too harsh, not assertive enough, or ignore the situation altogether. Therefore, I want to shed light on an aspect of boundaries rarely acknowledged in the horse world and perhaps put things in a more manageable perspective. Unless we are talking about physical boundaries for keeping the horse safe, such as ropes, fences, barns, etc., boundaries around our space are for……………. US!  

*These two horses (yes, actually it’s a horse and a mule:) prefer this minimum amount of space between them while grazing

We've all seen horses “being pushy or dominating” and “invading their owner’s personal space.”  I put these things into quotes because they are the perceived negative labels usually put onto these scenarios. There is also the “respect” narrative, “horses need to learn respect,” “ “they are blatantly disrespectful,” etc. Now, this is easily and understandably the interpretation most people have based on their human interactions. If two people were out in a field crowding each other, we would have the same opinion. Although in reality, these are horses, just being horses, trying to survive in a human world! Let's slow down a minute and think about it from another perspective. If we don't show them where our boundaries are,  they do not know how to interact and, therefore, will continue to seek more information or make up their own…...  
Horses do not go around with the intention that all horses in their pasture need to “learn respect.”  However, they do go around and let everyone know what their boundaries are. For example, if a herd member comes too close to another member's food, that member will show the other where their boundary threshold lies. For some horses, it is 20 yards; for others, it’s 20 inches. See, what’s important to some horses may not be as important to others.  This is one of the reasons many of us have a hard time putting boundaries up for our horses. We don't know where our thresholds are……  Many of us believe we are doing something to our horses; instead, we need to understand we are doing something for ourselves and the relationship!  

*Notice how these horses have no issues grazing nose to nose. Thresholds are individual so there are no right or wrong answers. Only what is authentic to you, your horse and the situation at hand!

There is pressure from those around us to do what everyone else is doing. I've been told never to let my horse eat grass while leading because it allows horses to “take over.” Trainers have also told me never to hand feed my horses because it causes them to be “mouthy.” Or “don't let them rub their face on you; they would never do that to their alpha.” There is nothing wrong with these recommendations, but it is essential to know why we are putting a boundary in place. Is it because we feel the limit is what we need or because someone said that's what we are supposed to do? Maybe you don't mind your horse rubbing their face on you? 

The realization that boundaries are for our well-being and not to the horse’s detriment allows our communication to become more precise, and "follow-through" is a lot more available.   

When to set a boundary? 

The first moment it crosses your mind! If you are not sure where your threshold is or have trouble accessing what your instincts are telling you, check out my blog post on congruence for a step-by-step method.   When you start to feel your boundary breached, take action, it does not need to be aggressive, abrupt, or rude.  The sooner you recognize where your threshold is,  the less emotional and reactive you will be. As well as, you will be able to use less energy to communicate rather than waiting until there is a significant issue that requires more considerable energy.

How to set a boundary?

Boundaries consist of three parts: clarity, consistency, and follow-through. The best way to think about this is how you would with a small child. Horses, like children, need to have clear teachable moments. Instead of just saying, “no, don't do that,” which can be very frustrating when they don't know what else to do,  give them an alternate task. 

Let's go back to the “personal space invader” type of horse. Instead of saying, “you need to get away from me!” try saying, “ you can't be here, but you can be there.” Give them a target for their nose, foot, or body.  By focusing on the replacement behavior, we become clear in what we do want, rather than the focus being on what we don't want. For example, if your horse is the “say hi” with their mouth type, you must first decide where your boundary threshold is. Do you feel comfortable if they stand next to you but do not put their whiskers on you? Or would you prefer their whole body be at a specific distance away from you? Once you decide where your threshold lies, you will be clear, consistent, and follow-through. This awareness keeps both of your minds engaged and builds the relationship!

What happens if your boundaries don’t work?

First, know that horses are habitual animals. They have a strong instinct to repeat behaviors, especially if there has been little to no resistance in the past. We need to be CONSISTENT and continue to reiterate our boundaries and let them know what the desired place is for them. In other words, it takes as long as it takes when implementing a new pattern! Although, if you start to feel like things are just not improving, please reach out to a qualified professional for specific guidance.

If your physical safety is a concern, then a great way to practice is through a barrier. Usually, a fence/rail will be efficient. Pick a safe space for both you and the horse, nothing that the horse can get caught on if you have a rope attached, and nothing you can get a limb stuck on or in.  This additional layer of protection will build your confidence while you interrupt the previously accepted pattern. The particular technique will be specific to you, and what kind of training you align with, maybe it's positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, or some combination of the two. The technique is a personal preference and not something to cover in the scope of this article. If you would like more information on different methods, check the resources page on this site. 

Boundaries are like trust; they are easy to lose. It takes acute awareness to know when your boundaries are questioned. Once you start to practice this awareness with your horse, you will see the benefit it has on the partnership. Clear boundaries leave space for you and your horse to do more together, have fun and build a deeper connection. When practiced consistently, they set a clear foundation of safety and trust which will echo in all of your relationships! 

-When we allow ourselves to be the student, the horse will be our finest teacher! -