How To Improve Your Relationship With Your Horse
During my work as a horsemanship instructor at a local boarding school, I taught students from all over the world. They had varying degrees of skill, some students had never seen a horse, and some had been riding all their lives. Every trimester I would get a new batch of "beginners" who had never taken the course. There was always a mix of freshmen, seniors, and everything in between.
One day while covering the basics of hoof handling with a new group, I had a very special interaction. I had become used to the typical process most students went through getting familiar with asking such an awkward task from a large animal they just met. There would be some fiddling and fumbling, but within a short amount of time, most students would be able to communicate with the horse effectively.
The students were all taking turns asking the horse to pick up its feet in a polite, straightforward manner. The horse, named Ringo, was a seasoned, safe horse willing to show the students how things were done.
*The result of being congruent :):)
The lessons were going smoothly…... until it was Ava’s turn. As she proceeded to try out what she had learned about asking for the horse to pick up his foot, Ringo just stood there. He closed his eyes and decided to take a nap; no response, nothing. He simply ignored her effort. I sensed that Ava was unsure of what was happening (or not happening). I let them be for a few moments before I stepped in to offer some help. "What's going on, Ava?" I asked in a genuinely curious voice. She stood up, paused, looked at me with tears in her eyes, and said, "I am just scared"........ I could feel her honest declaration, and I nodded with understanding. She continued to say, "I just have so much going on, all of my classwork, being a senior and picking out a school, and I have all these recurring physical ailments that I am trying to figure out, I have to track everything I do and eat every day. It's just a lot.." Tears kept coming, and I waited for her to become a little more relaxed. I told her that it does sound like a lot and however, she needs to participate is fine by me. Within a few moments of her expressing herself, she asked if she could try picking up the hoof one more time. I eagerly agreed, and I know we all watched with anticipation. Sure enough, Ringo picked up his foot without hesitation. The smile on her face was that of pure joy and relief!!
I tell this story because it demonstrates how clear the horses need us to be; they need us to be present and, even more importantly... congruent. Watch any great horse person, and you will notice that It's not necessarily what method they are employing but rather their intention and thoughts behind their technique. These people have a genuine partnership with their horses because their inner landscape matches their external actions. They are clear with their horses, and more so, they are especially clear with themselves and how they feel about what they are doing and how they are doing it.
What does Congruent mean?
When you look up “Congruence'' in the dictionary, you will find words like “harmonious, non-conflicting, consistent, compatible, coherent, rapport,” and so on. Interestingly enough, these descriptive words paint an idealistic picture of what we want our relationship with our horses to look like. How do you describe your partnership with your horse? Do any of these words fit into your description? If so, great! If not, don't worry, you are not alone!
Something that I have seen play out over and over again in barns and arenas far and wide are people who are fearful, frustrated, and confused and at the same time try to “look'' calm and balanced on the outside. Meanwhile, their horse refuses tasks and connection in several ways, such as hard to catch, bucking, rearing, biting, etc. Unfortunately, this lack of awareness often leads to blaming the horse, “he’s not listening, she’s disrespectful, crazy, lazy….” and the list goes on. It's a vicious cycle that will continue until we take the time to check in with ourselves and realize where we stand in any given situation. How do we feel about what we are doing and how we are doing it?........
Why does congruence matter to horses?
Horses, being prey animals, have evolved over millions of years by reading their environment accurately. Their survival is dependent upon their interpretation of their surroundings. They take in smells, sights, sounds, and the “energy” of their herd. When we engage with our horses, we become a part of their world (and herd), and therefore they use their unique perception to analyze the safety of our actions. There have been numerous studies ( cited below) to understand the depth of the horse’s ability to sense our emotional states. It’s been determined that horses can sync their heart rate to ours, recognize our posture, facial expressions, and discern the emotional state of our voice. They can feel our emotions. When we attempt to put on a “happy face” while simultaneously feeling internal anger, fear, confusion, or unconfident, etc., the horse begins to sense this incongruence as the ultimate predatory behavior, and we are not to be trusted…... When we find ourselves in a position of incongruence, it is important to take pause as long as it takes to remedy our feelings. Things will often escalate or repeat unless there is a proper resolution.
How do we become more Congruent?
This can be easier said than done, but with due diligence, we can become our own best resource and ultimately better for our horses. We need to start exploring the intricate parts of ourselves and acknowledge the things that lay under the surface. Here are five steps to becoming more congruent:
Note: These steps are not meant to be done all at once! It's very much an individual process. One that will get easier the more we practice. “Take the time it takes, so it takes less time!”(-Pat Parelli) Your horse will thank you.
Step 1. Notice your horse's reactions/responses.
Do they match the definition of congruence (harmonious, non-conflicting, and consistent)? If so, great, proceed as usual! If their responses are the opposite of congruent, move on to step two.
Step 2. Breathe
Deeply inhale and slowly exhale ( at least three cycles) and then pat yourself on the back!
You are on your way to getting clearer with yourself and your horse.
Step 3. Acknowledge your feelings about the situation.
This is where things can feel incredibly challenging. Many of us have a hard time articulating how we feel, and that's NORMAL! The following strategy is suitable for all of us. Take a moment to tune into your body. If you can, close your eyes. Take another deep inhalation and slow exhalation. Are there any places that feel tense, hot, fluttering, racing, not neutral, etc.? If you can at least narrow down where you feel the unease, you are, in fact, becoming more aware of your inner landscape. This in itself, the identifying of your incongruence, can be all it takes to start getting on a better track of communication with your horse. Just like Ava and Ringo in the story above.
Step 4. Name it.
At this point, you have identified where the "feeling" is living in your body. Now it’s time to give it a name. No judgments. Simply allow it to be. Does it feel hot like anger or tense like fear? There are no wrong answers! Just an opportunity to gain insight and make adjustments. Take time with this step.
Step 5. Take action.
Once you have an idea of what the feeling is, now you can take some action to shift it. For example, consider seeking more knowledge about what you are trying to accomplish, gain perspective by taking some time off, ask for support from someone that can offer hands-on learning, or find a way to do things that line up with your morals and values, etc.
Lastly, and probably most importantly, these “feelings” that come up may have nothing to do with horsemanship. Oftentimes, the same feelings come up in other aspects of our lives. That's completely normal, and just one more way the horse can be our finest teacher! Listen closely, and you may get to know yourself better than ever imagined. In return, you will gain a deeper and more powerful connection with your horse.
*names have been changed to protect identities.
-When we allow ourselves to be the student, the horse will be our finest teacher! -
Studies for further exploration!
Baba, C., Kawai, M., & Takimoto-Inose, A. (2019). Are Horses (Equus caballus) Sensitive to Human Emotional Cues?. Animals: an open-access journal from MDPI, 9(9), 630. https://doi.org/10.3390/ani9090630
Keeling, L. J., Jonare, L., & Lanneborn, L. (2009). Investigating horse-human interactions: the effect of a nervous human. Veterinary journal (London, England: 1997), 181(1), 70–71. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tvjl.2009.03.013
Nakamura, K., Takimoto-Inose, A. & Hasegawa, T. Cross-modal perception of human emotion in domestic horses (Equus caballus). Sci Rep 8, 8660 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-018-26892-6
Smith, A.V., Wilson, C., McComb, K. et al. Domestic horses (Equus caballus) prefer to approach humans displaying a submissive body posture rather than a dominant body posture. Anim Cogn 21, 307–312 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10071-017-1140-4